New Bodies For Old!

     OK, you're gonna have to help me with the math on this one.  Exactly how many 'other fellows' does it take to make a 'new man?'

     You know, on more than one occasion my body has been described as "skinny, pepless and second rate."   I've always dreamed of having "handsome, bulging" muscles, but perhaps not enough to have myself crammed so full of them that my friends eyes bug out.  But hey, that's just me.

The Space-Boomerang Trap: The Flash #124 (1961), part 1

     In the interest of full disclosure, I should start this post out by saying: I've never really cared about Barry Allen.  There, I said it.  I feel better.  I was just seriously getting into comics when he heroically gave his life in Crisis on Infinite Earths, and by the time I got around to actually reading a Flash book, Wally West was the Crimson Comet.
     Even in Wally's book, Barry Allen was a huge presence in nearly every issue, mostly because Wally wouldn't shut up about him.  And, comics being what they are, Barry put in several guest appearances himself, apparently unconcerned with the fact that he was dead at the time.
     Still, for being the first true Silver Age character, I had read very little Barry Allen, apart from some Justice League stories or maybe a Brave and the Bold team-up, perhaps. I decided to grab some Barry Allen stories totally at random to see what all the fuss was about.  From 1961's The Flash #124, John Broome and Carmine Infantino bring us....

     From the cover alone, the story immediately gets bonus points for including one of my favorite underrated characters of all time: Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man. I've never quite forgiven DC for Ralph's ultimate fate, but I think I'm even more angry at them for not putting Ralph and Sue into that long-awaited Ghost Detectives title.

     Our story opens with Ralph reading a letter from his old pal, the Flash.  Captain Boomerang, the most...Australian of Flash's foes has just been released from prison for good behavior.

     Even though the Captain has paid his debt to society, the Flash is wary of some "boomerang-type" buffoonery to pop up at any minute.  Hoping to catch him in the act of thievery, Flash speeds over to an exhibition of the Crown Jewels of Normark, only to find...

     And while it is true there is no law against wearing the costume of a known super-villain, especially if you are that super-villain, you can't really get mad at people if they eye you suspiciously.  I mean, come on...

     As Flash keeps Captain Boomerang under surveillance...

     ...a boomerang zooms in, snatches up the jewels, and zooms out the window!  In the historical interest of updating these comics for a more modern age, Barry's Comics Code Approved exclamation of "Good Gosh" would translate today as "Holy Shit!"  Hey, the more you know...

     So the jewels have been stolen by a boomerang, and the main suspect--Captain Boomerang--was in Flash's eyesight the whole time.  This sure is some mystery, and since Flash--who is actually Barry Allen, you know, a police scientist--can't make head nor tails of it, he jots a letter off to his buddy, Ralph Dibny, a detective well known for his...stretching abilities.

     Now that we have the set-up, we'll bring the first installment to a close.  Be sure to tune in next time to find out the riddle behind...The Space-Boomerang Trap!    
    

The Myth of the Man of Steel...will shock you!

     With Man of Steel landing in theaters this weekend, it's easy to get caught up in the myth of Superman.  The myth, of course, being that Supes was a nice guy.  He was not.  He was a straight up thug.

      Cold blooded, bare handed justice.  Sure, he looks like he feels bad about it, but who knows?

      Superman's about eight seconds away from melting this girl into sludge with his heat vision.

      He even killed the woman he said he loved, Lois Lane.  Huzzah for that guilty conscience, right?

      Even his "wardrobe malfunctions" were deadly as his suit went out of control and killed Perry and...Lois, again.

      Well, now he's just showing off. 

     "Please don't, Superman! You've never killed anyone!" wink wink...

     So, when you're all flocking in droves to see Superman on the big screen this weekend, just remember...it's only a movie.  The real story is...much darker.  

COMING SOON: Season 2 of FOUR COLOR CULT

     Just when you thought it was safe for those darn comics, FOUR COLOR CULT zooms in with the news that a second season is forthcoming! Yes, dear Cultists, hang on to your prayer books and wait, we'll be back before you know it!

"Breeze Through" Any Auto Repair Job

     With this book, you can repair any part from any car, quickly and easily.  Were cars really that simple, that it could all be covered in one book, even a very large book?  I wonder if anybody bought this book and opened a mechanic shop, based solely on what they could learn from its pages?  Before imported cars became more prominent, I suppose one engine was the same as another, regardless of its manufacturer.
     I noticed it didn't list the Tucker as a car covered by the book  If you came across one of those, you'd just be out of luck.      

You Are Under The Spell of Ka-Bala, The Mystic One

 

 

     The moment is tense as you place your hands on the mysterious board.  Yes, Ka-Bala sees all and tells all.  Armed with the secrets of your future, the ever searching eye of Zohar watches your every move as you take a deep breath and ask your question.  With the all-seeing knowledge of Ka-Bala you are mere seconds away from learning your destiny.  And you want to know....if you'll ever pitch a winning game? Even though Ka-Bala considers that a bullshit question, he answers you anyway.   
     Your partner, however, decides to ask a better (if not hopelessly vague) question: "What will my future be?"  The 'taro' card spells it out plain as day: "A happy marriage with children--material wealth!"  Your partner lets out an uncontrollable  "Whee!"
     Isn't messing with unknown mystical forces fun?

     If Ka-Bala is truly as all-seeing and all-knowing as advertised, why didn't he tell Madonna to stay away from Shanghai Surprise?

STAR TREK WEEK: The Final Post

    Well, this is the last day of STAR TREK WEEK.  Since STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS opens today, I thought I'd end the week on a quiet note and show an ad for the very first Star Trek movie.  This ad may be more exciting than the movie itself.
     I know I trash The Motion Picture a lot, but I really do like the film.  I just thought it took itself a bit too seriously.

     Anyway, thanks for hanging with the Cult all week and go see STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS!

Join us again next week as we go back to talking about non Star Trek comics.

STAR TREK WEEK: DC Adventures

     DC Comics published the adventures of the Enterprise crew from 1984 to 1996 in two different series.  The first series began right after the events of  Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, continuing until after Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.  Contract negotiations with Paramount put the book on hiatus for a year in 1988.  When the series returned in 1989, all stories took place after the events in the recently released Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, eventually working in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.
     DC continued to publish Star Trek comics--including an 80 issue series based on The Next Generation--until 1996, when the license went back to Marvel Comics.  

STAR TREK WEEK: Starfleet Fashion Show

     Apart from being a legendary comic book artist, Dave Cockrum was well known for his inventive costume designs in the 70s and the 80s.  Updating the looks of the Legion of Super-Heroes and the 'All New All Different' X-Men are probably his most famous designs, but I would have loved it if he had been in control of the new Starfleet uniforms in Star Trek: The Motion Picture.   Anything would have been an improvement to the dull, drab uniforms we actually got.  Still, even though Dave Cockrum didn't design these uniforms, at least we got to see him draw them.  So that's something, I suppose...

     From Marvel's Star Trek #10:

     What immediately strikes me is the pant-boot combo.  There's not a single iota of my being that believes for the merest of seconds that anybody in the 23rd century would have thought that a good idea.  Hell, look at Kirk up there.  Even he look pissed.

     Uhura fares a little better in a Class B uniform, but the pant-boot still persists, and...sweet god, is she wearing platforms?

     It's somehow fitting that the medical uniforms are the most swinging, so "Bones" can show off a little chest hair to the ladies.  But there isn't a bigger cock-block in the entire galaxy worse than those damn pant-boots.

     Spock looks positively radiant in his leisure uniform, though I think it odd that he was the one chosen to model it.  Sulu looks more like the leisure suit kinda guy, anyway.

     Scotty's work uniform isn't that far removed from the command level Class A uniform, except it has the misfortune to be a one piece, and it has unsightly cargo pockets.  Still, he looks rather chuffed not to be wearing the anti-radiation suit. 

STAR TREK WEEK: The (Not Quite) Final Frontier

     These 'weighted' figures from the San Francisco Mint claim to be in an 'action pose.'  For Kirk and Klaa, the Klingon, this seems an accurate statement.  The rest of the collection seems lacking in any sort of action pose at all.  Spock and McCoy actually seem concerned as to why Kirk apparently started doing the Macarena.  Sybok just stands there, I dunno...being all touchy-feely and stuff.

STAR TREK WEEK: Marvel Adventures

     Marvel's association with the crew of the Enterprise began with a three issue adaptation of Star Trek: The Motion Picture.  Despite the best efforts of writer Marv Wolfman and the art team of Dave Cockrum and Klaus Janson, the comic ended up just like the movie: visually appealing, but otherwise, dull.
     Perhaps unsure how to handle the franchise, Marvel published 18 issues of the title, putting Kirk and company in rather odd situations, like the time they beamed down into a haunted house...

     ...and even though it ended up being a rather complex scheme involving the Klingons, it wasn't figured out before ghosts, monsters and even Dracula himself invaded the Enterprise.

     In another issue, a mysterious force invades the Enterprise, 'possessing' crew members to attack one another.  While Kirk and Spock beam down to the planet to find a solution, Bones works diligently in sick bay, tending to the victims of the attacks, when...

     A visitor from Scotty's past seemed to be able to dredge up more than old feelings.  Able to bring physical form to Scotty's subconscious memories of his ancestral folklore, it's not long before the Enterprise has to deal with a witch...

     ....and the Loch Ness Monster!

     Kirk's feelings weren't spared either.  When an old flame and her new husband beam aboard the Enterprise, Kirk is astonished to find out that her new husband is a highly evolved being of pure thought energy...

    

     All in all, Marvel's 18 issues of Star Trek were largely forgettable, and when they lost the license in 1981, no one else picked it up until 1984, when DC Comics launched a Star Trek series that would last for the next 12 years.   


     Still, how bad could the series be if it introduced the world to the Travelocity Gnome?

STAR TREK WEEK: Friends of the Federation Only

     The data contained in this Official Star Trek Poster Magazine is totally classified.  Under no circumstances are you allowed to read this, as it contains top secret information on the Enterprise and her intrepid crew.  Yes, without being properly authorized or somehow deputized by the Federation it is a punishable violation for you to be in possession of this magazine.
     Unless you have a dollar. 

STAR TREK WEEK: A Ship of the Star Fleet

     This, from the opening pages of Gold Key's Star Trek #1, would have been the only bit of introduction to a reader unfamiliar with Trek.  Written like an Easy Reader version of the spoken introduction of the show,  I imagine hearing it in Chekov's voice...

     Yes, all the thousands of crewmen.  I mean, we all know the original NCC-1701 had a crew complement of approximately 430, right?   What sort of fact checkers did Gold Key employ?  Piss-poor ones, it would seem. 




     And a special bonus today, a pin-up--suitable for printing and framing-- of Captain Kirk, either hosting The Price is Right, or whitening his teeth, I'm not really sure.

     Tomorrow cometh the Marvel Adventures!

STAR TREK WEEK: "Extraterrestial" "Galactical" Collection of Goodies

     This collection of action figures is an absolute must for any 'Star Treckie' fan, though the way the smaller figures are posed at the top of the page, most of them look to suffer from osteoporosis.  Hope you're not in a hurry for the alien collection, though.  Those won't be in  until later, but I still advise you to buy now, lest they sell out.  All the kids--and I mean all the kids--are gonna want one of those melty faced Arcturians.
     It remains to be seen what sort of posture the alien figures had. 
    

STAR TREK WEEK: Gold Key Adventures

     Gold Key published 61 Star Trek comics between the years of 1967 to 1979.  Seemingly written and drawn by people who had never seen the show, early issues show Scotty as a tall blonde man, and have strange character moments like Spock wishing an away team luck...

     Life aboard the Gold Key Enterprise was full of danger. Simply trying to move around the galaxy could be catastrophic.  The universe is not as empty as some would have you believe, space walls were everywhere!

  
     Navigational dangers weren't the only ones the crew of the Gold Key Enterprise faced.  Unable to stop a rash of space piracy, Starfleet sends Kirk and company undercover as pirates in a botched plan that sends Spock and Scotty sucked out of an airlock, seemingly betrayed by Kirk. 
    

     Another mission involved the transport of ancient Vulcan artifacts which actually contained evil 'bottled' emotions that nearly drove everyone crazy when broken....    

  

     Spock underwent a dangerous process to help a doomed civilization, causing his head to balloon up like a Bobblehead.  Of course the process causes him to go mad and try to kill his fellow crew mates, until Kirk orders him to stop.  And he does.

     Not wanting Spock to be the only one who did something incredibly stupid, Kirk undergoes a surgical alteration, to go undercover as a man with an afro, to presumably grope a woman in an elevator accident. 

     The inky blackness of space isn't just the home for alien encounters.  The Gold Key Enterprise faced no less than Zeus himself, and had to fight off the mighty Cyclops with one of McCoy's medical devices. 

     If the Gold Key Enterprise encountered Greek gods, could it be that much harder to believe they'd eventually run into...deep space voodoo?
 

     Gold Key even tried a Star Trek Babies concept long before that sort of thing became strangely popular in the 80s...

     Gold Key lost the Star Trek license to Marvel Comics in 1979.  It left behind 61 issues that were mostly entertaining, if not a little bizarre....
    

Join us next time when we look at Marvel's first attempt with Star Trek comics...

STAR TREK WEEK: Bronze Medallion Coins

     STAR TREK WEEK here at the Cult starts out innocently enough with a look at these Bronze Medallion Coins made by Hallmark Minting.  Despite Star Trek taking up nearly the whole top half of the ad, we're informed in the bottom half that the coins of Spidey, Hulk and Conan are the "ones everybody wants."

The Amazing 9 in 1 Super Hero

     Yes, only CAPTAIN ACTION is the hero big enough to be 9 of your favorite super heroes!  Be Superman, and recreate his legendary 'belly-flop' flying technique!  Or better yet, be the Dark Knight Detective himself, Batman, and run around Gotham City touching everything with your bare hands!  Don the mantle of Captain America, and mow down the competition with your famous....ray gun?  Is that a window squeegee that Flash Gordon is holding? Is Aquaman carrying a man-purse?  What are you trying to pull, Captain Action?

An Entirely New Kind of Harmless

   
     Funny how the 'new kind of harmless' looks just like the 'old kind of harmful.'  Not content with merely looking like a gun, or sounding like a gun, Daisy made sure that not only did their rifle shoot a projectile (regardless of its harm level), but it smoked, too!  They made models for boys and girls, which might explain why both the boy and the girl look demonically happy.

     It's either the gun or the coupon they can mail in to get an exclusive photo of Fess Parker. 

Your Drawing of Bob Hope May Be Worth $335.00

     If you can draw a reasonable facsimile of this caricature of Bob Hope, you may qualify for a FREE two year scholarship from Art Instruction, Inc.  As a scholarship winner you will receive the ability to mail your drawings to a stranger in Minneapolis who will mail you back encouraging letters...for two years!

     Oh, and be sure to go see Bob Hope as Eddie Foy in The Seven Little Foys, in theaters... 58 years ago.  Er...maybe you should just rent it, then.

Hey, Let's Make The "Hollywood Bride" Walking Doll (of TERROR) Unbreakable!

     Yes, this 18 inch tall "Hollywood Bride" Walking Doll is creepy as all get out, especially in that bridal gown.  I'm not really sure what "saran" hair is, but I'm sure it was created by someone who had a copy of the Necronomicon nearby.  When this thing inevitably begins to chase you down the hall, possessed by the evil spirit of a serial killer, you're really gonna flip your lid when you bash this thing with a baseball bat and find out it's UNBREAKABLE!

CAPTAIN MARVEL meets THE IMPOSSIBLE GHOST part 2

This story started here!


     Captain Marvel has an idea to figure out why the ghost is haunting Dexter's laboratory.  Billy will disguise himself as Dexter by wearing Dexter's white lab coat.  Billy reasons if the ghost is actually after Dexter, then by disguising himself as Dexter, perhaps he can get the ghost to talk.
     As if on cue, the ghost enters the room, spewing out more of his mathematical mumbo jumbo...

 
     Billy admonishes the ghost for not speaking in the King's English and is swiftly rewarded with a mallet to the head, knocking him unconscious.  By my reasoning, you could say "Shazam!" about three or four times in the time it takes to say, "Then Captain Marvel will have to---UGG!"  But I suppose if Cap showed up early, Billy wouldn't have had a chance to get bound and gagged. (Which brings me to a slight divergence, but if you could turn into Captain Marvel with a single word, why in the hell would you ever go back to being Billy Batson?)

     Sure enough, when Billy awakens he is bound and gagged.  The ghost, he notices, is over in the corner, furiously tinkering at a work bench.  When the ghost is finished, it unleashes its creation on the helpless Billy...

     The ghost, after knocking Billy out, tied him up and began to construct this terrible octopus robot.  Things would have worked out considerably better for the ghost if he had just killed Billy while he was unconscious. 
 With the robotic tentacles crushing the very life out of Billy, he lifts his legs up and manages to kick over a large jug of acid onto the mechanical menace.  As the robot sizzles away, Billy tugs his gag off with the help of some tools...

      Once Captain Marvel shows up, he uses the wisdom of Solomon to piece all the clues together and reveal the mystery of the ghost.  Have you figured it out yet?

     "OK, we all know that ghosts rattle chains, right?  And chains are made out of metal, right?  And we also know that any other metal would make that same sound, right?"

     Cap's investigation further uncovers Dexter's unknowing involvement in the ghost's existence.  The robot Mr. Two, as his very name would indicate, was not the first robot!  Mr. One, Dexter's original robot was a bit of a rebel, apparently.  One day his electronic brain just went wild and started shooting out dangerous atomic rays everywhere!  Dexter had no alternative but to put him down and bury him...
  
     Captain Marvel rushes over to Mr. One's grave and digs up the robot's remains...

     ...and takes them to the moon for reburial.  Even making the robot a tombstone, Captain Marvel wishes the 'insane robot' to rest in peace...

     ...then immediately turns around and taunts the ghost as he flies off.  I love the anguished scream of the ghost as Cap just takes off, basically saying, "have fun up here alone, bitch!"

     I wonder what Dexter did with Mr. Two's remains?



    
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