Friday, March 29, 2013

Jimmy So Silly #2: The Unbeatable Jimmy Olsen part 2

Go here for what has come before!

       When we last left our heroes, the charity wrestling match between Jimmy Olsen and Superman was just about to begin.  Fueled by the Professor's formula, Jimmy wastes no time and twists Superman's arm, throwing him to the ground.  Pouncing on the prone protector of Metropolis (sorry), Jimmy administers an ankle lock that has Superman pounding holes in the ring floor and begging for mercy.


      Later, in the locker room, Jimmy spies a pair of gangster types trying to persuade a wrestler to take a dive in his next match.  The muscles that--mere moments before--had beaten Superman into submission pounce into action and cries his battle cry: "I'll throw you rats out on your ears!"  I guess that was how tough guys talked back then.  I'm not really sure.
      Perhaps surprisingly, the gangsters recognize Jimmy as the red headed demon who had just defeated the Man of Steel.  "Ulp," cries Gangster #1. "It's 'Muscles Olsen,' who just made a bum outa Superman!"
      When Jimmy rushes to attack the tough guys, he finds his power has gone.  Gangster #1 throws a punch at Jimmy and...he...well, he sort of flips...  To be honest, I'm not sure what the hell he does, but I'm almost positive that it's impossible.
       Here, I'll just show you...

          Jimmy heads off to Professor Potter's to find out what happened to his strength.  The Professor is quite startled to hear about Jimmy's predicament and assures him it's quite impossible.
          "Why don't you make some more serum using these chemicals? Superman is experimenting in the other lab-room.  You can test it again!"
          Jimmy agrees and makes an extra large portion, carrying the rest around with him in a flask.  True to the Professor's word, Superman is in the other room, mixing random chemicals together, know, why not?

        Two ass-beatings in one night is pretty harsh, even for an intrepid youth like Jimmy Olsen.  This seems like as good a place as any to leave off, dear readers, and until we meet again, keep tittering on the edge of your seat.


Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Day Bill Told Off His Boss

BOSS: Anybody would be crazy to pay you that much!

BILL:  Suck a fat ding-dong, old man, I've been learning electronics in my spare time!

BOSS:  You gotta be kidding! YOU?!? In electronics?

BILL:  Continue to suck on that fat ding-dong I told you to suck from earlier, you ancient ass-hat! I've got a career now!  Thanks to the Cleveland Institute of Electronics!  Yeah, that's right, dildo-breath, I said CLEVELAND!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Beating Dad at his Own Game

Son: Aw, gee, ya have to go out bowling again tonight? Can't ya stay at home and play Skittle-Bowl, with me, huh?  Please, Dad?

Dad: Aw, why the heck not, son?  I can get drunk at home just as easily as I can at the lanes!

Son:  And it's cheaper, too! Right, Dad?

Dad: That's right, son! Now go get your old man a couple a cold ones and let's play this Tinkle-Bowl or...

Son: Skittle-Bowl, Dad!

Dad: Who gives a shit?

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Jimmy So Silly #1: The Unbeatable Jimmy Olsen part 1

    Jimmy Olsen was certainly no stranger to silliness.  The man had a nearly inexhaustible  run of adventures, and this post will look at merely one of them.  From 1965, published in SUPERMAN'S PAL, JIMMY OLSEN #82, comes: "The Unbeatable Jimmy Olsen!"


    One day while out, undoubtedly on the trail of a hot new story, Jimmy decides to visit his friend, Professor Potter.  Apparently the Professor's last three discoveries were "duds" (Jimmy's words, not mine!), so Jimmy is hopeful the new one is a success, lest the Prof be pulled into the undertow of forever forward Science. 

    The Professor hands Jimmy a list with three chemicals on it.  When those three chemicals are mixed with water (SCIENCE!) they produce a formula that will make the person who drank it "stronger than Superman!"  Instead of instantly mixing it up and chugging it, young Olsen heads to work, where...


    ...he immediately devises a hair-brained scheme to use the formula to wrestle Superman, so Perry can donate $100 to the Newsboy fund (whatever that is).  On his way to the arena, Jimmy stops off at a pharmacy so he can gather the necessary chemicals.  While paying the $2.98 bill, Olsen daydreams in amazement that, "for less than three bucks, I'll be stronger than Superman! Good deal!"

    Later, in the locker room, chemicals are mixed (SCIENCE!), formulas are consumed ("Um-mm! It tastes like delicious soda pop!") and Olsen stands ready to go toe to toe with the Man of Steel.  Perry checks out Jimmy with his KRYPTONITE DETECTION-COUNTER (what? I dunno, but apparently Superman gave it to him!) to make sure Jimmy hasn't lined his trunks with the green rock. 

    In the ring, before the match, Superman pulls Jimmy to the side to say, "It would be unethical for me to throw the fight, even though I could put my fist through your skull with the slightest effort, but because I like you, kid, I'll go easy on you.  Try not to permanently cripple you.  Because I totally could, you know.  I'm Superman." 
    Jimmy tells him in no uncertain terms to BRING IT, ASSFACE.

    The match begins as we draw the curtains on Part 1 of our tale.  Will Jimmy beat the pants off Superman?  Will Superman ground the young ginger into a fine paste?  Or will Lex Luthor pop out of nowhere and turn everyone into little babies? (Because....SCIENCE!)

    You'll just have to wait until next time to find out!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Would You Like to Buy Some Grit?

I have vague memories of walking around my neighborhood, trying to sell issues of Grit. Was I a good Grit salesman? I don't think so, but I remember liking my official Grit bag. Anyone else out there hock some Grit as a kid? Sound off in the comments!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Goodbye, Merle..

I was just starting to like him, too.

What to expect...

Hi, there! Welcome to the first post of FOUR COLOR CULT!

This post is guaranteed to have absolutely no information in it at all! Or very little, at any rate.  Once this blog starts rolling, expect reviews and musings on comics, movies, TV shows and the like.  Until then, be patient and dig this old comic cover!

"Hey, I'm getting my ass kicked by, I mean, Thraxon!"